The Substitute for One's Memories

So yeah, after playing TD until 6 AM I was woken up at around 9 AM. I shared an airbed matress with Evan, since Andrew Kim took the couch. And sleeping upright isn’t very comfortable. I was freezing in the morning. The only lucky thing is that I had Martin’s jacket with me so I covered it on myself to keep me relatively warmer. Jimmy’s house is so cold in the morning. James drove me home straight away cause he needed to give his car back to his Mum at 10 AM. And in that time he needed to bring me home, get Vu (going to Andrew Kim’s house for more cake) and then get Andrew Kim and Evan to AK’s house. But yeah, I was dropped off and I went to take a shower.

11 AM and I left the house. I was going car inspecting today with Akmal who was my mechanic. And would help me check out the condition of the car I wanted. It’s a Toyota Echo 1.3cc 5dr Hatckback. And silver colour. I wanted an Echo. But yeah there aren’t much choices for a 5dr hatchbacok in Melbourne (so many elsewhere though). But yeah, there was one in Mordialloc for $10k so we went to check it out. We took the bus to Ormond station then got off at Mordialloc station. It was a bit of a hike to the used car place. We had lunch Subway in Mordialloc before walking for around 25 minutes on unpaved roads and grass. LOL. I had my umbrella out.

When we got there, I saw my Echo. It was in okay condition, the bumper had a crease in it (which the guy fixed later on as I bought the car), there was a crack in one of the shelves on the inside (not that it matters), some scratches here and there. Expected of a used car. Akmal said the engine seemed good, and so did the suspension. The only worry was that car had no service history. T_T He didn’t have the books. I was like… DUH. I phoned Mama to ask for her opinion. In the end she was like… go for it. It’s alot of trouble to look for another car (I could get a 3dr hatchback but I don’t wanna travel everywhere bothering Akmal). We took it for a test drive. It was really smooth and the Echo is so damn cool. I wanna drive it! Ehehehe. So yeah, in the end I was like… YEAH JUST GET IT. XD ROFL It’s $10600… I didn’t take registration into account. The car wasn’t road worthy yet either. GAH. An extra $600 off the bat. T_T I didn’t have enough monies for a $500 deposit and no EFTPOS so we had to head to Westpac bank. The nearest one was pretty near but we needed a car. The dealer is such a relaxed man he just threw the keys at Akmal. Holy crap. A stranger gave us his… car keys. It was an Avalon. Pretty awesome car. But still… a stranger gave us his car keys @_@ We were WTF-ing the whole time. It was funny.

Anyway paid for deposit and stuff. Then yeah, the dealer drove us back to Mordialloc station and we went back home on our way. Ehehe. After saying thanks and bye to Akmal, I hobbled home to wait for Martin. I hadn’t seen him for 3 days so yeah… I was sort of desperate to see him. ^^ Otherwise tonight I could have gone to Andrew Kim’s house or movies at Chaddy with Zac. I screwed up in panic cause I had to do a house inspection for Ryan at 4:30 PM but I thought it was on Thursday. And I missed it. Gah.  Failkid is fail. It took longer then I thought to see Martin cause he jumped on the wrong bus or something. LOL. But yeah, I think we were gonna watch a movie, but that got cancelled. We had dinner at Grill’d in Knox… really huge ass burgers. I went to the branch in Melbourne Central once with K-man and Yi Xin. I can never seem to finish their burgers. After that went back to his home… and umm… I think marathon-ed Higurashi with his cousins. Well, we saw the first 8 episodes. It could have went on longer but I was sort of falling asleep. Keep in mind I had 3 hours sleep for the day. So yeah, my loser self ruined it for everyone and I went to sleep like nearing to 12 AM. Pretty early. LOL.

Today was basically…. LETS PLAY TEE DEE WITH THE GUYS! I got up at like 9:30 AM, went to shower and got ready to head to James’ house at 11 AM. He picked me up, and we waited like 1 hour for Vu at uni bus loop cause Vu was THAT late. After we finally got it (James was like circling his car at the parking lot a lot) we drove over to Andrew Kim’s house then went to Safeway at Mount Waverley.  Safeway was like shopping for Vu’s cake ingredients and buying COKE. We got 4 bottles, one for each of us. Apparently me and Vu could share one (although Vu doens’t drink coke) since Evan needs a bottle too. Yay, then we went to James house. Umm… at the house. James and Vu baked the Hello Kitty cake that Vu wanted to make for his girlfriend, Fernie. James house was full of really awesome baking equipment. With expert advice from Jimmy’s Mama.

Anyway, Evan hadn’t come yet and me and Andrew Kim weren’t very useful. So I sat around and watch the first episode of Ladies vs Butlers with Andrew Kim. OMG WHY DID I WATCH THIS. FAIL IS FAIL. Even funnier is that on Kira Kira blog apparently Kimmy is the blogger for this wonderful series. LOL. I saw like 30 seconds of Aki Sora. The first 30 seconds already told me what kind of anime it was. Ehehe. Anyway, once the cake was in the oven, we went over to James’ living room and setup our laptops. Jimmy went to get Evan! Everyone had their laptops cept Vu, and we wanted to LAN. Vu went home pretty earlier, around 3:30… even before the cake icing was done. That part didn’t go to well cause we didn’t know what we were doing.

Then Jimmy and Evan came. We basically sat there and they taught me how to play TD. It’s sorta fun. Haha, I basically depended on Evan though cause I didn’t really know what I was doing and doing very stupid things. Our first game ended early cause I screwed up. And yeah, this is pretty much what happened for the rest of the night. We had a break where we all went to Mount Waverley to get pizza, and went to Blockbusters while waiting for Pizza Hut to cook our pizzas. Then we went back and I spent some time on MSN and stuff, while Jimmy had a committee meeting. Once he was done, we finally started TD again nearing to 11 PM and we basically played until 6 AM. We had one break at around 2 AM – 3 AM cause I wanted to talk to Martin online, lol.

The only reason we played so long was that… well we wanted to sleep like at 4AM cause I needed to go car hunting in the morning and Andrew Kim needed to clean his house the next morning since they were movie marathoning. But… we screwed up during one game cause we all forgot something. And Andrew Kim raged and we had to do it all again. By the time we finished it was 6 AM and the sun was going up. We were like FUCK.

I cried a bit in the afternoon when Jimmy left to get Evan. Andrew Kim gave me a hug. I wanted to hid this but couldn’t. I was just feeling a bit annoyed at myself cause I was dependent on someone else who wasn’t around, and felt pathetic cause I sat around thinking of when I would get a reply on MSN or my mobile eventually. It’s a bit silly, it seems I have much growing left to do. Andrew Kim was super kind though, saying that I always have these silly guys around me, to be there for me all the time. Ehehehe.

The title of this entry sort of explains my very self in the two most simple words possible. I got up at like 9 AM, for some reason I was really tired but I did sleep quite a bit the previous night. At 11:20 AM, Sha, me and Didier went off to the 703 bus. We were going to have yumcha at Imperial Kingdom. We got there pretty earlier, around 11:35 AM, so yeah… waited around 20 minutes for Amanda and Jono to come. When they came I got bagged cause I was the only one alone there… “It could have been a triple date, Celine!!” but yeah it wasn’t *shrugs* It did mean I get to eat more food though, lol. I mean things are easily split evenly so I just get to eat another person’s share!

We ate a lot. Well I ate a lot. HOORAY FOR WEIGHT GAIN. We paid around $24 each in the end. We ate really fast, it was sort of funny actually. Took the bus back. I decided to hop onto the 703 and go to Clayton for a bit. To buy a couple of stuff… and meat. I was really only there for like 20 minutes. I spent the rest of the afternoon on my laptop pretty much. I sat there rather blankly at times.  Staring at the ceiling. It was reminding me of last year. I was sitting there waiting again. And I felt like an idiot. What was I waiting for anyway? Why am I waiting? Why AM I FUCKING WAITING AGAIN?? I was really annoyed, its like… Celine never seems to learn her lesson! Everyone knows Celine is a very needy person, well she’s stupid, right… I don’t know. Things don’t make sense about me. I mean, I spent a good chunk of my life alone. So why can’t I stay alone? Why do I feel like I’m about to stop breathing when I’m sitting there alone? It shouldn’t be this way. I should be used to this. I’m not like other people. Kind loving friends…. a fun and happy family. What the fuck is that? That should not exist in my world.

Ahh… it’s so dumb. I thought I would learn my lesson already. People warned me months ago. Don’t ever get attached again Celine. I should be ready to give up everything and still be fine. Not be stupidly sitting around waiting for anything. A call, a text message, MSN message. And be disappointed when it doesn’t come.

I should read my past blog entries. Last year… during those hellish months. In February. In March. In April. What did I write? Why can’t I remember…. did I resolve to myself that I would be satisfied with what I can have? So why do I want more? Cause people are selfish? Can I stab this selfish heart then? It’s asking for too much. It wants too much. And I don’t deserve anything. Any of it at all. I don’t deserve anything. This life, the air, the water, love, hate…. any sort of attention. I don’t deserve it. So Celine should just give up waiting.

I sort of half spent my time on MSN, half closed my eyes. I was just curled up crying a bit in the afternoon. I’m almost 21 soon. I’m almost done with uni. I’m just been really scared lately. Since I came back. It slowly came to me. That things are different. And that I can’t be like… so many people I know. I can’t be like the first year students. I can’t be like the people who live in their parent’s home. I can’t be any of these things. A part of me really wishes I could though. I wanna be stupid. Thoughtless. And just step each day one at a time. But no, that isn’t gonna happen. Damn, I guess it is true. My greatest fear is loneliness. I think I fear it more then death.

Before I knew it, I realised it was like… 8 PM. Shit, I’m hungry. Wow. 5 hours of nothing. I got downstairs and Cassie’s friend Lou was there. She took my birthdate and like… said what kind of person I am from those numbers. Something along the lines of “You are different from what people initially think of you.” Everyone said she was right on spot apparently. Interesting friend. XD Sha cooked soup, lasagna and salad for dinner. It was really good!! Yummmy. Ehehehe. I went back upstairs after a while and spent the night just sort of… doing random things. I was a bit emo. In the end, I decided to clean! So yeah… I cleaned up my room. Unpacked everything (although some stuff is still thrown about and needs to be cleaned up nicely and tidely). It’s so much nicer to live in a clean room. I dunno how the dirty people stand it. I mopped it up and took a quick shower. Then yeah, I finished working on my resume at night, sent some emails then went to sleep! XD It was around 3 AM by this time…

The selfish and stupid days continue! There’s nothing wrong with anyone or anything. It’s all me. I think the bottomline I can see is that I need to shut up, be quiet, be patient, and stop complaining.

I’m back! I’m back! On my flight back, I was really nervous. I guess I was expecting to find Martin at the airport and I was like…. haven’t seen for so long. AH!!! WHAT DO I SAY!!! Although this is the like the person I chatted to like… everyday for a month. Breakfast on plane was like… strawberry yogurt, a muffin nad a small piece of muesli. Malaysia Airlines doesn’t give much for these breakfast meals. T_T The stuff was pretty yeck so I only ate the muffin (muesli felt off to be honest). I watched a part of another movie in the morning on the plane after my painful night of attempting to nap (I was really itchy, and comfortable in general – could not sleep. But I tried. I was sitting next to this European man – kind of cute – but yeah he took my armrest T_T) What was that movie… I think it was Post Grad, lol. The leading actress in that movie I thought is really cute.

Anyway, I got to Melbourne. Immigration was easy, and I got to customs pretty fast. The only thing that took ages was bag collection cause my bag didn’t come. If you don’t bring food in your bag customs is nice, they just scan it and I’m done! Yay. When I left the area into the arrival hall I was like @___@ cause there’s so many people! I didn’t see anyone I know so I was like… =__= but then as I took another step I saw Martin walk up so casually with his newspaper XD How do I write this? My face sort of just broke out in a smile I guess. All those days of waiting for him, and just wanting to see him for an entire month. It all slowly just felt like a dream. Cause he was in front of me now. I almost couldn’t believe it.

I was really glad he was there. It would have been pretty painful to carry all my bags by myself. But yeah, we took the airport shuttle home. It stops near my house (I was hoping right in front of my house but it stopped at South East Flats so thus we had to cross the road with all those heavy bags). I felt weird during the ride home. Okay, I was really tired but yeah, I guess I still couldn’t believe where I am or who was sitting next to me. It was rather surreal. Maybe the sudden contrast just got me thinking… where am I, who am I… what is this? I was really happy but there was a lot of doubt on what I was doing here exactly. How do I say this… sort of felt like day one again and I just feel plain awkward.

After dragging my luggage to my home, my housemates were home! So yeah, hugs to Amanda, and Cassie and Sha! Oh and Didier was there. Sha and Didier went out shortly after (Sha’s Papa was leaving so I said hi and be) and then Sam came over! I dumped all my stuff in my room and sat around talking to Sam, Yi Xin, Cassie and Martin for hours I think. About random crap and gossip. And showing them my awesome cool plushies. It was really nice of Sam to come over to see me! Ehehe Caring friends are the best.

Eventually Sam left, and I wasn’t hungry so me and Martin went to nap in my incredibly messy room. But yeah, I was really tired cause of my lack of sleep on the plane and I think Martin didn’t sleep much since I did chat to him the previous night and he woke up really early to drag himself to the airport. T_T Apparenlty waiting there since 7:30 AM or something DUHH (I came out at like… 9:00 AM? – and this was fast!!!). But yeah, it was a nice nap ^^ Then we woke up to go to Chaddy!

Yay! First movie ever with Cassie. After Sam mentioned it, we decided to watch The Lovely Bones. We went to eat dinner first at that Japanese place downstairs near the cinema. I had sub par food. LOL. Then we went to watch the movie. The Lovely Bones is a film packed with ideas. It made use of imagery a lot, or at least – I found myself trying to take understanding of what was going on. It was an interesting movie.. It was also funny to watch with Martin cause he burst out laughing in the like the QUIET SUSPENSEFUL scene… leading to people looking at us T_T I was giggling at the wrong moments too but I can’t help it!! It was also funny out of the cinema Martin doesn’t talk about the ideas in the flim, he just begins to go on about the underage sex!! DUH. LOL.

Cassie drove us home! We had trouble getting out of Chaddy, oh man… imagine me driving around. I’ll have to figure out roads when I do that. Worse is that Cassie didn’t have much help in her car with 3 people who can’t give any advice on the roads. I wanted to sleep early – well – Martin spent the night at my house too. XD  But yeah, I had a bit of a held up on MSN. But it was a nice sleep… exhausting day. Exhausting plane ride. A bed is really ncie compared to your airplane chair. BLEH. Those fail. Melbourne, good to be back. I miss Mama and Papa though. ^^ Probably prefer not to be apart from Martin too long from now on.

And today is the final day of being apart from Martin (well that’s what I was counting). Not the final day in Brunei since I wasn’t in Brunei for the entire day today. I got up at around 6 AM to like… copy files from my old 320gb HDD to my 1tb HDD. I should of listened to Rachel and done this earlier. BLEH. But yeah… then I went out with parents as usual for the final day. I rode in the car a lot as they had a bunch of errands to do. I had my last plate of super yummy Singapore style Hokkien noodles that I like so much. When I got home I just sat around talking to my bro’s gf  (she might go overseas for Masters so I may not see her for 2 years) and parents.

Anyway, off to the airport! I checked in pretty easily MY BAG WAS NOT OVERWEIGHT! It was like 21.1kg, I was like SCORE! They won’t charge me for that. I was so worried it would be like 27kg or something. And they let me carry on all my bags I wanted to carry on. I went to Jollibee with my parents and had some chocolate icy pearl drink but it was gross and had the most terrible tasting pearls ever. Bleh. So yeah, after that I said my bye bye to Mama and Papa. It was sad. Mama looked like she was about to cry I felt really sad when I went inside the boarding place and just sat around waiting for my plane. I wanted to go back home again. I was just thinking how… 10 minutes ago I was talking to Mama and Papa. And now I can’t even hug them for like… I dunno how long. A year? Even longer then that maybe?

My flight was like delayed… for almost an hour. I noticed the plane we were gonna ride came like at 3 PM… the scheduled time for my flight. I guess delayed plane ride pushes everyone along to delay too. But yeah, I finally got onto my flight after a while. Immigration was funny. I have 3 carryon bags. My handbag, my laptop stuff and my…. bunny bag. When I went into immigration the man was like “mana passport?” which means where’s your passport after I gave him my passport. He was referring to my bunny’s passport. I was like… lolwut… then OH! HAHAHAHA. Everyone around me kept staring at me and my bunny bag. Cause I’m just hobbling around with it. It’s like wearing my jacket and I let it sit on chairs like a person.

The actual flight. Was like SUFFERING AND DULL. I was like OMFG NOTHING TO DO. LITERALLY NOTHING TO DO. No movies. No internet. I tried to sleep but there was a kid next to me who kept wanting to go to the toilet so I have to get up to let him out (me sitting next to aisle). The dad was nice though, he said sorry. Evening meal from MAS was like… chicken and mee hoon with fruit cake and ferrero roche (which I kept in my bag). The mee hoon was so spicy and oily. It was good but cooked with chilli oil. @_@ Other choice was beef satay sticks with fried rice. MAS is really asian in their food. SIA tends to give much more western meals. I had some guava juice too. Ehehe.

Anyway, I made my way to KLIA (KL International Airport). I had a 3 and half hour transit. I basically used free wireless for 2 hours until my netbook battery ran out (couldn’t find powerport) and well… the internet only works for 2 hours per comp apparently. >_> Then decided to go buy magazine, and read it. I walked around blankly then went to my gate. There was people questioning us at the gate about where we are going and stuff. I got onto the plane after a while. The flight wasn’t too delayed. I had supper, it was like cake, chocolate, a meal with salad and stuff. A lot of food for supper, lol. But yeah after that I watched one movie on the plane Aliens in the Attic and attempted to go to sleep. It was hard to sleep but I was totally like… when I get there I get to see Martin!! XD

And today ends my adventures in good ol’ Brunei. It was a bit sad but what must be done must be done. I hibernated until like 9:30 AM cause I was really tired from coming back to Singapore the day before. I went out with parents as usual, but last day of driving the lancer around *__* The times have been good! Then I spent the afternoon on MSN, looking at random things and playing more Super Mario Brothers Wii! It was a load of fun.

At night, the family went to Secret Recipe. It just opened in Brunei, the place is more known for its cake rather than food but I was like I WANNA EAT THERE before I left. Ehehe. I had pan fried dory with… home made lobster sauce on it. It was pretty good. Say goodbye to eating grilled fish with vegetables and fries for a measly $10. *sniffs*

Mum was sad cause I’m leaving tomorrow. It seems that she thought I had another day here cause she counted the days wrong. Things have to happen though, so one can only hope for the best. I don’t really have much attachment to Brunei but…. if I could I would try to not leave my parents. Gah, they take care of me so well. I’ll miss gaming with bro and his gf too just cause it’s hilarious and we keep killing each other and making fun of each other while playing. It’s sad the good times just don’t go on forever.

Yesterday, Rachel warned me to begin copying my files over to my new HDD ASAP cause it would take forever to copy. I did not listen to her and only started tonight. DUHH HOLY SHIT IT DOES TAKE FOREVER. GAHHHH. But yeah, I’m leaving my 320gb hdd here and just taking my tb with me so I need to transfer all… my… anime. And steal dramas off bro! LOL. I did some last minute packing and hope that I brought everything with me to Aus but clearly my bag is overweight so I’m prepared to rummage through bag at airport to empty things out.

But yeah, last night in Brunei. It’s weird. It’s all over now. I always freak out when things are like… over. Now to re-adjust to Australia again. And the people over there. It doesn’t take much it seems, talking to Mani Jeremy and everyone else like in the old days didn’t surprise me much. But I’ll miss chatting to Mama and Papa. Meh, the life of someone who moves around too much. Some people spend 20 years in the same house. @_@ I’ve lived in like…  11 different houses, apartments, hostels, etc in my 21 years. LOL. It’s good and bad. Good that I get to travel much, bad that I lack any places to ‘return to’ or places that hold meaning to me.

Well… Singapore is over! I woke up around 5:30 AM since parents woke me up. As they get up… it’s pretty noisy. But I sort of lazed around for ages until I actually bothered to move. We packed the final things into our bag and went downstairs to check out. Parents went to like drink coffee and stuff, and bro and his gf went to eat at the free buffet for breakfast. Since we only have free meals for 4 people… I was the only one who sat blankly without food the entire time. *sobs* Anyway, 7:30 AM we went to taxi guy and he drove us to the airport.

After checking in our bags, we went to claim GST tax refund but realised that we had to ask every store to give us a GST refund form along with the receipt with their signature on it. So… we could only claim GST for one item which had the form. It was like $25 back but still… we could have gotten a lot of monies back. Bleh. Oh well. Then we went to Maccas cause  I was hungry. I had a McGriddle. I had no idea what the hell a McGriddle was but it sort of looked like a McMuffin but fatter, so I bought it. OMG terrible idea. It was like.. McMuffin but sweet. I looked it up on Wiki and it’s only sold in like America, Japan and a couple of other places so no wonder I never saw it before. But yeah… it’s like a McMuffin with pancakes rather then an English muffin… it’s just weird cause its sweet and salty and BLEHHH. I can imagine the amount of calories in that thing.

Then we went inside to shop around the aiport but there wasn’t much to do and I couldn’t be bothered anymore so I went to sit down. After a while I realised I couldn’t access wireless without going to the info counter for user registration so I got up to do that. As my ankle was sprained I didn’t particularly enjoy walking too much. But yeah… free wireless. Yay! I can go on MSN. LOL. I pretty much stayed on MSN to talk to Martin until my plane at 10;20 AM. When I got on the plane I like fell asleep pretty fast but I woke up again at like 11:08 AM and I was like to Dad “… why are we still like… not flying?” Massive delays there I think.

Flight was me sleeping. I ate some fish in nyonya sauce and rice for lunch with chocolate cake. And coke. And yeah it went by pretty fast as I slept and woke up and slept again. We left the airport pretty fast, and at home was a fight to unpack and repack again for me. I decided to dump my black bag I use for luggage and take my parents green bag which is like… shaped funny. But I can put mmroe stuff inside and it isn’t as heavy of a bag. But then I sort of ripped it cause I closed it wrong. It’s nearing explosion now. Mum said she’ll buy a belt to strap it up tomorrow to reinforce the sides so that it doesn’t explode. The bag is used to carrying loads of crap. My stuff isn’t too heavy but it’s bulky cause of all the stuffed plushies. LOL. I pray that on Tuesday my luggage comes back to me in Melbourne in… one piece. And not like open with all my stuff like… gone. Which has happened to other people before I’ve heard.

Yay, then I finished up, took a shower and hopped onto wonderful internet! LOL. At night, we had takeaway for dinner and I spent most of my time either online or playing Super Mario Brothers Wii with my bro and  his gf. It was hilarious cause we kept killing each other by bouncing off or pushing each other. There was a part where bro wanted to get one of the special coins and it was like under the ledge we were standing on my bro was like “…. we need someone to sacrifice themselves to get it!” and *bro’s gf jumps off the ledge aimlessly…* …. “Okay! GO MONKEY!” *bro literally pushes me off the ledge and I just fall and die (no more life left) without anything happening. Everyone’s like “……………” then BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Me: WTFFFFF!!

I died so many times cause I jump and someone jumps ontop of me and thus push me down to my death. It’s so sad. LOL. But hilarious. I went to sleep around 12:30 AM, after more MSN at night. Ehehehe. Tomorrow is my last day in Brunei!

DUH. EXPENSIVE INTERNET USAGE HERE. I have like 20 minutes left to type this. Here we go. I got up at 4:20 AM, and basically sat around until we had to leave. The airport was boring and I wanted something to drink but it was like 6 AM and nothing was open (no Brunei airport is not 24/7). Anyway, boarded plane. Plane ride was BLEH bornig but I slept. Airplane food was nice though. Like an omelette with a sausage and some baked beans + potatoes. When we arrived… we went through airport immigration really fast. Man, I love efficiency here. I can’t stand the Melbourne airport cause it takes me like 1 hour to get out of there and it takes me like 10 minutes to get out of Singapore + Brunei’s airport, lol. Okay, Brunei is small so understandable but not Singapore.

We took a taxi to our hotel, Meritus Mandarin Hotel. It’s pretty nice. But pricey. T_T Our rooms weren’t ready yet so we went to Vivocity via taxi to kill the afternoon. Vivocity was like… bleh. The thing I like about Malaysia is that I can like…. shop cause everything is so cheap it’s funny. In Singapore it’s like… bleh. I may as well just shop in Brunei (the clothes is like nicer in Brunei lol – don’t kill me I just CANNOT STAND branded European and American clothing. I mean I don’t care about brands but I would still like branded Japanese or Korean clothes – but I really hate the styles of English brands. I just think they are so old and boring looking – and most of the mall was like that). I mean like, you’ll never find me in Guess cause I just think the clothes is friggin ugly and I won’t be wearing clothes that I might wear when I’m like 60.

Shopping aside I didn’t spend a single cent except on food. And juice. Just wasn’t interested. We got bored pretty fast so we left by like 3 PM, took the MRT back to Orchard station. Then we got our hotel room! My room was like DUH cause the beds were smaller then we thought. Back in Malaysia, a room with 2 ’single’ beds is like… a huge bed that can still fit 2 people so you can like squeeze in 4 people really. We realised how small it was and went to ask about an extra bed but it costs a lot. Like… I could almost rent out another hotel room at an average hotel. ROFL. So we decided not to. And try to squeeze (I could easily share a single bed with someone… pretty sure I do that in Aus anyway but I think my parents aren’t used to it / shuffle in their sleep a lot).

Yay, so after cleaning the room up and settling in we went back downstairs. Oh god, the trouble came now. I was like wandering around a clothing store and my stomach hurted and I was like T_T oh well *goes to toilet*. DUH. It didn’t do anything. I was getting increasingly more in pain within the next 15 minutes. After a while I hobbled back to my parents and was like…. stomach hurts. Gonna like… topple over soon @_@ And they were like D: D: D: D:. Couldn’t find a place to sit down TOO MANY FRICKEN PEOPLE EVERYWHERE I was like FFFFFFFF and we found a sit in Maccas. In Maccas parents were like…. can I walk back to hotel at least – it’s a bit over 5 minutes walk. I said I could so yeah…. I had a painful walk back cause I was in more pain as time went on and…. I was gonna throw up. DUHH. Clearly eating carrot cake with A LOT OF SAMBAL in the afternoon wasn’t a good idea. It was yummy though, ROFL. Yeah I got back to hotel to rest and shower while parents went out to look for foods.

During this time I realised that…. there was no wireless. I also realised that… I could not text anyone. Meaning… cannot… contact… Martin. *dies ON THE SPOT* I was like FFFFF and then went to take a shower and *sob* in my bed alone. Then I went to watch Asu no Yoichi! ROFL. But yeah, parents came back with food for me and they were like OMG TOO MANY PEOPLE HEAD HURTS HERE HAVE SOME MACCAS. Me: … uhh okay. But yeah I took two charcoal pill thingies and drank 100 plus for my tummy. ROFL. I feel all good now. ^^

Bro and gf came into room while I was watching anime. Then they left. Umm.. Mum said that I could use the internet for one hour here. We have to pay for it and we don’t really want to rack up additional costs so one hour is all I’ll ask for. In the end we went to get the extra bed when parents saw how I was gonna fall sick if I don’t keep my health up. I think exhaustion today also took over since I did walk around for like 4 hours straight, with little sleep the night before and we woke up so early @_@. So yeah… they were like T___T we are not gonna die on our holiday everyone gets a bed and gets to be comfy. Yay for parents! LOL. They were all worried about me and came back to the hotel really fast. ^^ They are the best.

I’m online for one hour right now. I wanted to cry cause… I came online at 8 PM and Martin was like online at 7:50 PM and then he left cause I wasn’t there and would come back later. I was like FFFFF cause internet can’t be used later on. DUH DUH DUH. Try again tomorrow. *sighs* I will sleep tonight to keep health up. I wanna buy something tomorrow T_T It ain’t shopping until a purchase is made!

I spent a good part of today sitting around in the afternoon fretting. I was thinking. And as everyone knows, people like me should not think because we think too many negative things. But, you can’t shut down the human mind. It always keeps on moving. I have no hope for this world. Or maybe I do have hope. That’s why I live. And I live so happily. But. I really do think this world is rotten. I don’t trust this world. I do not trust anyone in it either. Not because the people of this world are not to be trusted. There are many people who truly have hearts that bring me no harm. But I can’t know that. I have no way to know that. And as I’ve written many times. People’s hearts are so frail. They change so fast. I’m skeptical of everything. Because I know nothing lasts forever.

When I was younger. I used to worry about so many trivial things. I know I’m only turning 21 soon. Okay, I’m not THAT old. But I’m not 16 either. Or 18. 21 is when you get a ‘key’. This ‘key’ means freedom. Freedom is a blessing… it is also a curse. I am not alone in this world. I am also alone. The number one person who will save me, is myself. The second would be my parents (if its within their capacity – I curse the world because the human body is frail and our bodies will degenerate and die). What happens after that, I have no idea. Some people will find someone who they can trust with all their hearts. Some people never find this person. Why do I say this? Because I can walk around the streets and I see countless AND I MEAN FUCKING COUNTLESS individuals who… decided in their older ages that their life partners aren’t good enough and they must indulge in foreigners who are so young, so beautiful, and so utterly stupid. Not that they are stupid. I always hold by my belief that people don’t engage in a certain lifestyle because they wanted to. But because they had to. This is a naive thought because it assumes the goodness in everyone’s heart. But there is no such thing. There are many individuals in this world who have hearts that just don’t feel for other people as much as others. Not that this makes them bad. It could mean they are as confused and lost as everyone else. But it cannot excuse their actions either.

When I was younger. Hell, even last year. Hell. Even now. I would still worry about things like “Aww… why do I suck? Why do people hate me? Why don’t I have friends?” I get mad when everyone assumes I’m loved by everyone. Loved by everyone? Talking to someone who spent a week of her fucking life not saying a single word. Because I was THAT ALONE. Hah! But when I think about it more. These worries are so stupid. They are so trivial. They are so useless. I’m paranoid. I’m a jealous person. I’m possessive. I’m protective. But… I wonder how important these things are. I have so much more things to worry about now with my ‘freedom’.

What are they? Good question. I have a dream. I had a dream. When you’re young. It’s so awesome. You have the future ahead of you. I am lucky. I have lived until this long. Nothing bad has happened to me. I did not lose my life and lose my future. Yeah… now everything is in front of me. Do you know what a quarter life crisis? It’s when your in your 20’s. And you are lost. Because… there’s so many choices ahead of you. What should you do? What should you take? It worries me. Cause I don’t want  to regret. I don’t want to be 40 and regretting the choices I made when I was young. When I was strong. When I could do anything. Right now.

People. Why are they so weak? Why do they die? Why do they get old? It frightens me. You get old. You get weak. You get ugly. People don’t like you as much. They think your a nuisance. You go senile. They stop trusting your words. Eveyone loves the young and beautiful. Even beautiful people turn ugly though. Heh. I wonder who will love you… and stand by yourself side when you turn ugly? I wonder this. People can’t convince me otherwise. I observe a lot. Say… I see a cute new girl around. And I see a new girl who isn’t as cute. Average at best. I love it. When I see who gets more attention. When I see who everyone wants to befriend. Lovely human nature right here. I am a part of this group of lovely humans of course. Equally as ugly at heart as the rest. It’s not as though anyone is worse then the other. Appearance is just appearance in the end. But it’s still something I can’t watch sometimes. And I hate knowing I would do the same thing.

You know… the people you want to stay with you forever. They are gonna leave you. They’re gonna die. It’s so funny. Everyone grows more frail each year. Say, for example. I want to repay my parents. Can I? Can I even make it…? Let’s just watch the most important people around you slowly die. People are frail. And you can’t do a single damn thing about it.

There’s like. A lot of things in my head these days. Trust. Relationships. Family. Friends. Money. Career. The future. I feel like I’m just gonna get increasingly more lost. The only thing I can hope for is… that I do not lose my way. I don’t not regret. And that the decisions I take. The actions I make. That they are part of the dream I had. The most beautiful dream ever.

Tomorrow I shall be heading off to Singapore. The end of this little holiday in Brunei. When I return I’ll be spending 2 more nights here. But it won’t be much. Only one full day really. I don’t know whether I’ll have internet there. I’ll have this netbook, and I assume that guests will get free wireless access. But I won’t count on it. Plus, I won’t be in the hotel much anyway. Maybe like a half hour in the morning and at night. This is like. My last holiday with my family. Cause the year after… I would have finished uni. I’m on my own then. It’s weird. I will enjoy it though. I will! I will…

I’ll be seeing Jeremy, Ryan and Mani for a day in Singapore too. I hope our adventures of seeing the Merlion and eating BAKKWA will be plenty of good fun.

I got up at 8 AM today. Just had some food with parents. We stayed at home mostly cause parents were totally like… cleaning the house up. And just chilling. There is like no food left here either. We have eaten everything. I just spent the day MSN-ing and looking at job related stuff. Everyone’s like applying for Harajuku Crepes. If I wanna hand a resume in I’ll be like a week late at the earliest though. Maybe I might try too if it isn’t too late. Otherwise, well… I do NEED a job. I’ll have to go on a mad hunt when I return and try to catch one of those positions that become available as January starts up. It worries me to. But gotta try my best. I would like to do something I’ll enjoy though, if I could. I’ll find my way. It’s me! Pretty sure Celine can do anything if she really tries….

We had takeaway for dinner. Then went to sleep pretty early (like nearing to 9 PM) cause tomorrow gotta wake up at like 4 AM or 5 AM because… flight is like 7:30 AM or something. Singapore shall be fun. I’ll miss not being able to talk to Martin everyday though. But I’ll see him shortly when I return so… I’ll look forward to that everyday. ^^

This may be the end of my emo-ish postings for now? Or maybe it’s the beginning of it all. Who knows… I have my hopes. I have my dreams. I have this entire future ahead of me. The most beautiful dream of them all. I wonder if it’s somewhere I’ll be walking towards?

Ah, the last few days in Brunei. Before I head off to Singapore then return to sleep another 2 nights here and then make my way back to Aussie land. My days go by in a very routine manner. I’ll sort of miss it. I’ll sort of not, I think I prefer my days to be different. And spontaenous. Even if it is much more tiring. I got up about 8 AM as usual. Slept less as I slept very late the night before (or morning I should say). My previous post was made in my contemplating emo-ness, but I had someone who cheered me up. As always… does cheer me up. The most special person ever.

We didn’t really do much outside besides eat. There is like… nothing left to eat in my house. My parents emptied out food stocks since we’re heading off. But yeah, I drove around a bit here and there. And then we went home. And um… I sort of spent the afternoon looking at jobs. Cars. And various other things.  Clearly, I am an interesting person. And of course the wonders of MSN. We went out for dinner towards 6 PM at Villa Mauri. I had cannelloni again, bwahaha. I can’t help it. I like it so much. When I got home I just spent my time on MSN, and then was forced to sleep for Martin’s sake. Hehe. <3

Tomorrow is the last day in Brunei! And 10 days until I return. I sort of can’t believe it.